Maria Rosarno

Cheerful oblivion

da | Giu 6, 2023 | Poesia

Surprisingly sweet and tremendously dangerous
at the same time.
Lost in oblivion and its timeless center.
Sucked into its seductiveness.
I could not help myself.
Part of me wanted to feel the pain and feel miserable.
Part of me wanted to tame and feel fearless.
Every damn little emotion
my astonishing big,
fragile, courageous, daring empathetic heart felt
was too much.
Too much.

Until I learned to rely on my back.
On my hands, on my mind.
To protect me.
To love me.
To surround myself with good intentioned people.
Humans with hearts precious as diamonds.
A cheerful oblivion.
That is how I remember that feeling.

Il commento di Maria

I wrote this poem inspired by a song called “Mermaids”
by Florence and the Machine.
An artist who has a huge impact on my musical, artistic imagery.
Somehow her lyrics described something I know too well.
They reminded me of a feeling that is so tempting but so devastating at the same time.
What I describe, is my attempt to numb my feelings with food.
It was such a cheerful oblivion once I was able to check out for a moment.
I knew I would feel miserable afterwards but in that tiny moment,
everything felt lighter. I would have done everything, literally everything if these voices in my head would be silenced just for a second.
My eating disorder, my bulimia was so strong.
I feel lucky. Working with my wonderful psycotherapist, rediscovering my passion, acknowledging my strength and my gifts, becoming aware of what I am able to do, surrounding myself with the right people led me to a much calmer place.
A place where I can handle this rich emotional world I carry inside.
I am not trying to defeat it anymore, I am trying to share it.
To share it with you. Sharing it heals me.